Server independent URL optimization

I searched the archives and Google but couldn't find a solution. I would like to know if there is a good server independent method method for optimizing URLs that contain GET queries for search engines. Server URL rewriting (i.e. mod_rewrite, etc...) is not an option unless it is compatible with ALL http servers. I would like to write a portable PHP script, not a PHP/Apache script or PHP/IIS script. Any way that is good for search engines, especially replacing ? and & with / would be great. I know that most probably use Apache but I have "heard" tales of multi-platform ways to do this, but have never "seen" the solution. TIA, Shawn