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> For those of you with a scientific disposition some Theories to ponder > over ..... especially the cat one > > An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit > new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners: > > 5th place (Subject: Probability Theory) > > If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup > trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number > of highway signs, they will eventually write the complete works of > Shakespeare in Braille. > > 4th place (Subject: Bio-Mechanics) > > Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on > your eardrums. This pressure change outside your head unbalances > other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out. > > 3rd place (Subject: Symbolic Logic) > > The Chinese are technologically underdeveloped because each of their > alphabetical characters represents a whole word or phrase, rather than > a single letter. Thus they cannot use acronyms to communicate technical > ideas at a faster rate. > > 2nd place (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics) > > Deforestation may cause earthquakes, tidal waves, or even the total > destruction of our planet. Just as a figure-skater's rate of spin > increases > when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting down of tall > trees may cause the Earth to spin dangerously fast on its axis with > disastrous results. > > Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion) > > When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is > dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of > toast s strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is > then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning > inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they > could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system. > > ....and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients. > > I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the > buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered > side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well > with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - > and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the > effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a > stronger affinity for carpet. > > Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple > formula: p = s * t(t)/t? > where p is the probability of carpet impact s is the "stain" value of > the > toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the > toast > topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for > example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero. > > t? and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of > p > being strongly related to the relationship between the color of the > carpet > and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and > obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is obvious that > the > probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka > masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of > one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. > > Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain > to > hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as > the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash > resulting > in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident > victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened > if > their party was in power as there would have been more investment in > cat-toast glue research. Therefore it is in the interests not only of > public > safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is > scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with > chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile > carpet.