unsure how to do this any help appreciated

To Whom this may Concern, Basically what im try to do is this.... (please bear with me im a php noob) require a remote file, if its blank then instead display a comment or another file (which ever is easier)

       Example:
       *_if "http://launcher.worldofwarcraft.com/alert" contains
       nothing or contains "Not Found" or "404 error", display " Sorry
       no updates at this time or No server notices at this time" or
       include blah.php, otherwise display
       _**_"http://launcher.worldofwarcraft.com/alert"._*

Because the source is remotely updated, the information contained at this address is beyond my control, so i need this to control what is said on my end I'm not sure how to get this one to work Any help would be appreciated or a direction to where to find something that will help me, Pixmyster Guild Master Synergy Of Triumphalism Horde - Spinebreaker - US Realm World Of Warcraft Guild Website: www.synergyoftriumphalism.com Email: pixmyster@gmail.com